[Archie frowns, looking down at their hands. He feels dumb (which is usual), but also...]
I don't know. I— [He's been down this road before? Sorta. But when it was Ronnie, that was-- different. It's not like he and Reggie are worried about hurting a mutual friend's feelings, and it's definitely not like they're gonna go to jail if they're found out so it feels (just hook-up ADJACENT) ...bad, man.] You don't want anyone to know about... I don't know. [Say "I don't know" one more time, Archie.] Us?
[ You don't want anyone to know about... I don't know, us? Reggie opens his mouth, then closes it, caught in a rare moment of speechlessness. That was somehow not at all what he expected Archie to say, though he doesn't know what he did expect, either.
Shit, shit. Goddamn-- fuck. Reggie rubs his mouth, which feels far too dry. ]
No, I... look, it's not-- [ His lips purse tightly closed for a moment, then his teeth catch on one corner to bite down in thought. Is it that? And why or why not? ] I just don't want people getting the wrong idea, all right?
[ It's not a lie, but Reggie doesn't bother to consider what that statement really means, either. The wrong idea being... what? That we're an us is one thought that floats briefly to the front of his mind before he dismisses it and shakes his head. ]
I mean, if you need us to be drunk first then that's easy enough to fix... so can't we just-- [ The arm that's around Archie's shoulder tenses slightly, Reggie's hand loosely gripping at Archie's shirt. Helplessly, he can't help but blurt: ] Us?
Well— yeah, us. [They've fooled around multiple times so like, obviously there's a "them." Archie doesn't really do "casual," is the thing. And he definitely, certainly doesn't do "no strings attached," because he is made of strings and falls in love practically as easily as other people change their clothes. Okay, maybe it's different at parties when he's extremely wasted, but this is Reggie, and he thought—] I don't want to get drunk. [A touch indignant!] What do you mean, the wrong idea? What's the right one? [What are we, Reggie!!!]
That we're having fun-- why does that have to be something we need to talk about? I mean, are a few BJs really such a big deal?
[ Maybe not to Reggie... but even he knows better than to think this is really that simple. He might wish it was, but it probably never could have been between the two of them. ]
I don't wanna just hook up with you, Archie, I want-- [ Wait, "just?" Reggie stops himself, shifting gears: ] What do you want me to say, then? When people come at me first giving me attitude like I haven't already thought about it I should just be like, "Oh that bell's already been rung, so relax about it!"
[ Eyebrows raised like he expects an actual answer. ]
I don't know! Maybe not acting like you'd hate it. [So, turns out he'd taken that more personally than even he realized, because he presses his lips together and lets go of Reggie's wrist.] What do you want, Reg? [Because Archie knows what he wants, and he also knows that he always wants too much. Maybe it'd be safer if he made someone else say it first? Yeah.]
I obviously don't h-- Archie, you have to know I don't hate it.
[ Reggie clenches his jaw and narrows his eyes slightly, glancing away in frustration for a moment before he slowly raises his eyes back to meet Archie's. The problem is he doesn't know what he wants, not really; for Reggie's it's always been more abstract than that. He'd never bothered thinking through something like wanting Archie too deeply, because even that at its most vague had always seemed too unrealistic to expect.
And even now with things having changed, it's still hard for him to break that habit. It makes him feel uneasy trying to put a name to what's been going on, and the worst part is that Reggie hasn't even wanted to try and work out why it makes him so uneasy.
So, even knowing -- or at least suspecting -- the general vein of what Archie's asking him now, Reggie answers with: ]
You already know what I want. I thought maybe we could finally bang or something. [ Gesturing with his hands, palms up like a shrug of defeat. ] But since you're obviously in a mood...
[Archie's shoulders go stiff and he finally pulls away. It's not like he doesn't want to bang (obviously. Obviously,) he just, he can't do just that. And if that's all that Reggie wants... it wouldn't be fair to either of them if he just went ahead anyway, would it?
Plus it kinda, you know, smarts. Because while Reggie has said plenty of contradictory stuff in the past couple minutes, it's Archie so of course he's latching onto the worst implications. Maybe that means he is in a mood.]
Yeah. [He crosses his arms. He has never actively turned down sex before? He feels weird, and stupid, and sorta like he just wants to go lay down on his face in bed until morning when he can pretend none of this talk happened. Maybe he shouldn't have turned down the idea of getting drunk.] I guess I am.
[ Reggie isn't as dumb as most people think he is, but it also doesn't take any kind of genius -- socially or otherwise -- to decipher what's happening here, which is that his plan to keep his feelings for Archie at a distance even as they've been fooling around is backfiring catastrophically. He just stands there, hands hanging loosely clenched at his sides and mouth slightly open as if he already has a retort or objection ready, but he has nothing that he's ready to say.
Which, it's important to note, is quite different than not knowing what he could say, because Reggie can think of several options to that effect; I don't really know how to talk about it, or, This was easier when I figured I had no shot with you, or I like you a lot and maybe it's weird to say, but how the hell has that not been clear enough already?
Or even just Sorry, I'm an idiot.
But he can't say any of that, obviously he can't, so Reggie clenches his jaw, tense and frustrated, leaning his arm on the doorjam as if in thought. ]
Well. [ His lips press briefly into a tighter line, and he rubs his palm over his mouth. ] Whatever. You know where to find me if you change your mind, gloomy roomie.
[ At which point Reggie moves back from the door so he can continue down the hallway to his own room, also feeling weird and stupid, and numb, and vaguely sick. This has got to be solvable-- every problem is, always, but at the moment Reggie has no idea where to even start. Right now the only solution seems to be space, but the rest will have to get figured out eventually. Or maybe it won't. ]
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I don't know. I— [He's been down this road before? Sorta. But when it was Ronnie, that was-- different. It's not like he and Reggie are worried about hurting a mutual friend's feelings, and it's definitely not like they're gonna go to jail if they're found out so it feels (just hook-up ADJACENT) ...bad, man.] You don't want anyone to know about... I don't know. [Say "I don't know" one more time, Archie.] Us?
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Shit, shit. Goddamn-- fuck. Reggie rubs his mouth, which feels far too dry. ]
No, I... look, it's not-- [ His lips purse tightly closed for a moment, then his teeth catch on one corner to bite down in thought. Is it that? And why or why not? ] I just don't want people getting the wrong idea, all right?
[ It's not a lie, but Reggie doesn't bother to consider what that statement really means, either. The wrong idea being... what? That we're an us is one thought that floats briefly to the front of his mind before he dismisses it and shakes his head. ]
I mean, if you need us to be drunk first then that's easy enough to fix... so can't we just-- [ The arm that's around Archie's shoulder tenses slightly, Reggie's hand loosely gripping at Archie's shirt. Helplessly, he can't help but blurt: ] Us?
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[ Maybe not to Reggie... but even he knows better than to think this is really that simple. He might wish it was, but it probably never could have been between the two of them. ]
I don't wanna just hook up with you, Archie, I want-- [ Wait, "just?" Reggie stops himself, shifting gears: ] What do you want me to say, then? When people come at me first giving me attitude like I haven't already thought about it I should just be like, "Oh that bell's already been rung, so relax about it!"
[ Eyebrows raised like he expects an actual answer. ]
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[ Reggie clenches his jaw and narrows his eyes slightly, glancing away in frustration for a moment before he slowly raises his eyes back to meet Archie's. The problem is he doesn't know what he wants, not really; for Reggie's it's always been more abstract than that. He'd never bothered thinking through something like wanting Archie too deeply, because even that at its most vague had always seemed too unrealistic to expect.
And even now with things having changed, it's still hard for him to break that habit. It makes him feel uneasy trying to put a name to what's been going on, and the worst part is that Reggie hasn't even wanted to try and work out why it makes him so uneasy.
So, even knowing -- or at least suspecting -- the general vein of what Archie's asking him now, Reggie answers with: ]
You already know what I want. I thought maybe we could finally bang or something. [ Gesturing with his hands, palms up like a shrug of defeat. ] But since you're obviously in a mood...
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Plus it kinda, you know, smarts. Because while Reggie has said plenty of contradictory stuff in the past couple minutes, it's Archie so of course he's latching onto the worst implications. Maybe that means he is in a mood.]
Yeah. [He crosses his arms. He has never actively turned down sex before? He feels weird, and stupid, and sorta like he just wants to go lay down on his face in bed until morning when he can pretend none of this talk happened. Maybe he shouldn't have turned down the idea of getting drunk.] I guess I am.
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Which, it's important to note, is quite different than not knowing what he could say, because Reggie can think of several options to that effect; I don't really know how to talk about it, or, This was easier when I figured I had no shot with you, or I like you a lot and maybe it's weird to say, but how the hell has that not been clear enough already?
Or even just Sorry, I'm an idiot.
But he can't say any of that, obviously he can't, so Reggie clenches his jaw, tense and frustrated, leaning his arm on the doorjam as if in thought. ]
Well. [ His lips press briefly into a tighter line, and he rubs his palm over his mouth. ] Whatever. You know where to find me if you change your mind, gloomy roomie.
[ At which point Reggie moves back from the door so he can continue down the hallway to his own room, also feeling weird and stupid, and numb, and vaguely sick. This has got to be solvable-- every problem is, always, but at the moment Reggie has no idea where to even start. Right now the only solution seems to be space, but the rest will have to get figured out eventually. Or maybe it won't. ]